A Woman Writing by the Window

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Listen, If you are looking for the cupcake Lollipop version of how relationships work, this is the wrong blog for you (laughing but very serious). Man, where do I start?

Relationships are 'HARD.' Think of it this way: everything is 'hard,' but you must consciously choose your 'hard every SINGLE day.' What if I told you that putting in work and being with someone in a relationship can be difficult, but navigating your feelings alone while in solitude can be just as tricky. Would you believe me? If I had a tally of every time my husband pissed me off, I would be a millionaire, and he could say the same thing, honestly. If I had a tally of every judgment call I made on my own that still pissed me off just as much as my husband, I would still, in fact, be a millionaire. See where I'm going with this? Sometimes you have to pull back and look at the bigger picture.



I mean, is an argument over who didn't put the food up or who forgot to close the garage door worth divorce? Is a dispute over finances or differences in ambition and drive worth divorce? If you two constantly disagree about the same thing, maybe there is a deeper underlying issue. We cannot think for our other half or make them do absolutely anything they have to want to. Self-evaluation is also critical. What I mean by that is to make sure you are doing your part and critique and adjust what you're doing as well. Not just pointing fingers. Redirecting negative behavior regardless of who is at fault will minimize the arguments and improve your relationship. I wouldn't been in the same relationship 19yrs and married 16yrs of them unless I knew.

-RT




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Updated: Sep 23

How do I overcome issues with a spouse that lacks ambition and displays stagnation?

(5) critical steps to improving your end of the marriage bargain. Relationship advice for couples that are growing in separate directions. Could it be time to reevaluate your marriage? Do you feel alone? Are you pulling all the weight? Are you and your significant other growing apart?





My Spouse Is Not Giving Me What I need
I am so tired of trying. I feel so alone.

My Spouse Is Not Giving Me What I need in this marriage
I can no longer do this. I want out.

If you are on google searching for answers to these questions or phrases:

I am not getting what I need from my spouse// I don't feel like my spouse loves me the same as before//Why does my spouse has no drive or ambition// Why is my spouse stagnant//I feel like my spouse, and I are growing apart// Signs your needs are not being met//When to let go// How to let go of a relationship when you still love them.


I can tell you firsthand I have been there!!!!!!! You are not alone. You are also in a safe space and a "no judgment zone."



It can be pretty challenging to pour in and love someone who seems not to love themselves fully. Accepting your vows was for better or worse; sometimes, the "worst" comes out of all of us. I will try my hardest to paint a picture of why being in a marriage sometimes feels so emotionally draining when a spouse doesn't match your same potential. I will try to help you navigate those feelings and share some best practices to overcome these issues.


I have a husband that works a full-time job and come home every night, loves his children, and is very active in their lives. He is typically not a "flirt" and seems to genuinely love me. We have our problems, as every marriage does, but he is a faithful man. Listen, I know PLENTY of women out there who will accept those fundamental skills as "ROYALTY."

I don't feel that way (at all); quite honestly, the bare minimum has never been enough for me.

Me, on the other hand, "I'm a woman" so, those things are what I'm supposed to be doing( right?) Women get absolutely NO credit for doing "required task," so why should men???


Where my spouse and I differ: I, too, work a full-time job, come home every night, take care of the children, and are active in their lives. I am typically not a "flirt" and love my husband with my entire heart. I also prepare and cook four and five-course meals, manage a blog, and run not (1) but (3) entrepreneurial businesses SOLO. I am a published author and also licensed in real estate.

(did I say I work a full time job?) I try to utilize all my god-giving abilities and leave nothing on the table. I truly believe our lives are " mini missions" here on earth, and you must fulfill your purpose of what God designed you to do. Now, I am realistic and do not expect some "fairytale" man who is fantastic at everything but credit should not be given for basic ass skills (sorry not sorry.)

Your standards may be too low if you feel I am being spoiled, ungrateful, or exacerbated. Here is the thing, you train people how to treat you. They should also have a crystal clear understanding of what your expectations are. If your spouse think they should get a "pat on the back" for performing basic skillsets they need a reality check.


Your spouse should also have his/her own personal goals, dreams, and ambitions outside your family goals. They may not be as large as yours, but there needs to be something. Your spouse should not think, "oh, my wife/husband will figure it out for me" If you and your spouse agree to want "better," both of you have to work on "better." When only one person is pulling all the additional weight, it makes that person feel like they are drowning, and you are in a boat watching them drown. No lifeline, no nothing, just watching. These actions make a woman/man feel unloved, unappreciated, and regretful. It can also feel like they just married a "shell." Your spouse need to be fed intellectually and supported in a relationship. You should never feel alone while married. If your spouse is fulfilling their vows, you both should feel complete. If one of you feel slighted, things can get ugly. When someone is not getting what they need in a marriage, they find it elsewhere. Is that right? Absolutely NOT. Does it happen? All The Time.


So how can we fix these issues and turn things around for the better??????


Tip #1 - Be clear about what is bothering you.


Be clear about what is bothering you. Have an open, honest conversation and flat out tell your spouse your needs are not being met. Do not beat around the bush to protect their feelings because all your going to do is build up animosity.



Tip #2 - Set up frequent meetings to see how you can help them meet your needs and vice versa.


Set up frequent meetings to see how you can help your spouse fulfill their personal goals and see if you notice any change since your feelings have been shared. If your spouse care, they will also share in these meetups how you can also help them help themselves.



Tip #3 - Make it personal- Identify what you think is causing your spouse's issue.


Identify what you think is causing your spouse's issue. have they always been this way? Could they be depressed? Is there something you could be doing better to help them?


Tip #4 - Wait on improvement.

Wait on improvement. Now don't be a fool and wait forever, but give a reasonable time to see if your spouse will present change. Don't fall for the Okie-Doke, where they quickly change (same day) and return to the same bad habits weeks later. This is them trying to keep you from being upset/annoyed with them. That is a change for "you," not a change for "them."


Tip #5- Seek professional help

It's ok to realize you need a professional on bored. Try counseling and anyone that does not personally know you two as a couple. Bias advice is critical. Utilize a few sessions to see if that may help. You may need more than a few sessions if the problem is major.


Suppose you and your spouse continue to run into the same issues, and there is never a resolution after you take action steps. In that case, It may be time to reevaluate your situation. As bad as it hurts inside to let someone you love go, you are doing more damage by allowing them to display those behaviors, and you accept them. In the words of Bob Marley, "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." Now pause and ask yourself, is your spouse worth the suffering? It's either you or them. Choose wisely.

-RT

My Spouse Is Not Giving Me What I Need In My Relationship. Is It Time To Let Go?

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